Fallen Embers
by tarry rash wanton
Summary: told through someone else's perspective; "I wish it could always be like this. Just me watching him." Guess who and I'll give you a lolly.


Standard Disclaimers Apply; slightly one-side shounen ai—blink and you'll miss it.

[        **Fallen Embers**           ]

I wish it could always be like this. Just me watching him; not uttering a word at all, silence this majestic boundary between the both of us that could be easily marred by the slightest sound, word alone. 

I wish it could always be like this, my gaze never leaving this beautiful memory that will forever be imprinted in my mind, in fear that in the blink of an eye it will all crumble down into nothing and slip from my grip. 

I feel him so distant, so far away and yet even the light years that separate us feel inebriating, drawing me both closer and further away, making it difficult to comprehend the carousel of emotions within me. 

Emotion is human nature, like blood running through one's veins but it seems as if in this rare occurrence, I am simply cold and lifeless without that human proximity to feel and react. 

I am numb to the very core of me, so simply sheared of feeling that instead had replaced itself by a mask of indifference and neutral, immune to responses, like slivers of moonlight unable to flood a barren space not because it would not, but cannot. I am secured within me, so protected I don't know how to breathe anymore. 

And I watch him as he rises on one knee, gazing at the tombstone in front of him before finally rising up to his feet. 

He isn't aware of my presence and it makes things all the more surreal. I yearn to scream, to cry and break the dull silence threatening to kill time. But time is all we have in this prism of memories, time that will and shall forever seal this fragment of yesterday and I want to keep it that way. 

I _need_ the memory. 

I want to _keep_ the memory. 

I want to _keep_ him.

He looks up and walks towards me, face devoid of emotion yet his gaze alone burns my skin. 

I look at him as well, eyes into his own, immersing myself in the reality that sets boundaries between us two. 

How I wanted to drown in those amber depths, haphazardly taunting me to yield.

The light years feel further away and I almost forget to breathe. "Eiri-san," I say softly. My voice almost breaks and betrays me as I find myself drowning in his eyes, intoxicatingly poison. 

I can hear the almost inaudible billowing of his coat in the wind; feel every fiber of rejection in him.

"Where are you going?" He simply strides away from me, quickly, and then stops briefly so that he is behind me.

 My fists clench or perhaps they shook with no impact as I wait for his response. I cannot feel anymore.

The winds rustle the leaves of trees softly and it seems as if it were a million years since I'd last spoken. 

My heart makes a painful tumult in my chest as I surrender to the sensation coursing through my veins. 

I hadn't thought of it _this_ way before. I hadn't realized how I cared so much for Eiri's welfare, worrying over his health and taking him to a place far from Shindou-kun where he could finally find some peace of mind—all this time, I hadn't realized I was trying to keep him away from Shindou-kun not because it was for the betterment of his health, but because I was jealous.

Jealous because I knew I had no chance to have Eiri in my arms. 

 I was completely oblivious to what lay beneath the brotherly concern, never knowing that there was restrained affection beneath all my advances toward him.

I'd wanted Eiri. Loved him so much since the horrible night when he cried in my arms years ago. 

Even that memory is obscured by so much pain now. Eiri loves Shindou-kun. And I can do nothing. 

Eiri continues his walk in the same pace, footsteps dying away, swallowed by the hollowness of the silence.

 "I'm going home." 

_Away from me?_

I wheel around cautiously, gently in mute shock and pain. 

Pain? 

Or perhaps it was closely knit to pain, they way I feel. Like tiny icicles and needles are pricking my soul, flawing my prideful defenses. Like in s spectrum of time, I am drawn from comic senses and thrown into an alien planet where I am unable to heal. I fight the tears that threaten to fall. 

I bite my lip, almost drawing blood. 

Eiri is leaving me, the cemetery, my memory.

I stare at his retreating form, feeling my eyes grow dim. 

_Why?_ I silently ask him. _Why do you choose him over me?_

I look away from him, even as he cannot see me. 

Or maybe he had? I don't know nor do I want to. All I need is comfort, which I know I cannot find elsewhere but in his presence. 

My knees feel albeit unstable and my body, weak yet I stand there, in mock arrogance as if I hadn't been the slightest perturbed. I yearn to reach out to him, tuck him gently into my arms as I did before in a time so far gone and forgotten. 

Now we've grown apart. And I can't feel like I used to.

I walk away from the tombstone, away from the memory. 

Away from him. And the wind rustles softly once more. Leaves fall to the ground, and they crunch beneath my shoe, crisp and tender—my heart—shattering into jagged bits.

Fin~


End file.
